When an Adult Grieves a Loss from Childhood

It’s actually common for an adult to grieve for a loss that occurred in childhood, though most people aren’t aware of it. During the time I hosted the Healing Power of Stories Book Group, from September 2020 through 2024, we read more than two dozen books together, a combination of memoir, nonfiction/self-help, and fiction related to the topics of childhood loss and trauma in many forms, including my memoir, The Art of Reassembly.

A memoir called What Looks Like Bravery, by Laurel Braitman, tells the story of her father’s death from cancer when she was 17 (after being ill most of her life) and her deep engagement with grief starting two decades later. In addition to this one and my book, others we’ve read that center the story of early loss and healing in adulthood include Spare by Prince Harry, After Visiting Friends by Michael Hainey, and Memorial Drive by Natasha Trethewey. I was inspired to define common elements that are often present in the adult journey of childhood grief to share with the discussion group.

The elements of this process are overlapping and recurring, not linear. The healing journey may involve:

Awakening to grief years after the death, often due to a sudden event or realization of recurrent experience/behavior
Pursuit of learning about grief
Excavation/reevaluation of past events, emotions, memories, understanding, decisions, including seeking information about the person who died
Actions/rituals/quests to integrate emerging adult perspective on the past, including recognition of younger self’s needs, limitations, and vulnerabilities
Forging adult connection to the person who died
Seeking community with other grievers
Finding meaning, honoring the person who died, carrying forward insights gained